I understand why people trip over the “ex-girlfriend” “ex-boyfriend” “ex-flame” “ex-whatever”. It’s an “ex”. At one point in time, they had your heart. They knew your secrets. You called them sweetie, baby, hunny, cutie, all the names in the book. They’ve seen you at your low points, and they’ve seen you when you were proudest. At one point, they meant the world to you. They are involved with you in memories that you just can’t erase. You two believed in a future, much like we do now. You both made promises with each-other, much like you have with me. It’s what scares a person, knowing you weren’t the first one to completely have a person. To have your whole heart, not just the sewn together pieces from when you lost love before.

It’s hard to fight, when you aren’t even sure what you’re fighting for. It’s the thought that keeps me going. The thought that you could be the possible answer to my happiness, or at least fill the gap in my heart. Knowing you, you won’t be able to fix it. No matter how badly I want you to. A relationship is two people. I want all things that I know you aren’t and can’t be. It’s like I’m trying to change the person you are. Here is my time to realize that a person is not an empty shell that you fill with the ideas of who you want them to be. They are who they are. I saw a side in you that only existed in my mind, and I continued to trick myself that it was real. I’m not sure if I was fighting for you, or the person I hoped you were going to be.

No matter how much we try to stop it, pause it, deflect it, change is always going to happen. Especially the change in the two of us. We can’t ignore something so clear. No matter how much we want to go back to who we were, what we were, it’s impossible. The person I used to know, confide in, respect, love, is gone. What happened? I learned who you really were.

There’s never an ‘over’ with us. Our relationship never ceases to exist, quite possibly, never will. I’ve always promised a complete stop, a barrier, between us. Wanted to get away from you, needing to feel loved from another. You’ve always found a way back into my heart, if you ever even left at all. You’ve always found a way to break it, if it ever really fully healed at all. You’re that guy. Yes, that guy. The guy every girl will remember when she grows up. The one who caused her to smile the most, and the one who let her down even more times.

I want you to love someone, just as much as I loved you. I want you to feel happiness, feel wanted, feel on top of the world. I want that girl to break your heart. I want you to feel how I feel. I want you to dedicate every sad song to her. I want you to tell all your friends about how she did you wrong, how much you hate her, and how much she means nothing to you, when you know damn well she means the world. I want you to realize a girl is a person, people break hearts. I want you to realize that you broke mine. I want you to watch her favorite movies, sing her favorite songs, just to feel reconnected to her. I want you to see how you’re never getting her back, no matter how hard you try. I want you to want me back. I want you to feel pain when I somehow find the courage to say no, even though I’m hurting to have you back. However, I don’t want to find my own happiness in your sadness. I just want to be happy, with you.